Part 2 (yesterdays post) of Dr. Ari Tuckman’s Real Motivation for Real Change online class.

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I left off yesterday with Dr. Tuckman saying that “emotions usually create black and white thinking instead of allowing for the reality of life which is grey, nuanced and subtle”.  And how this showed me I was afraid of boredom.

Dr. Tuckman’s statement resonated with me on a deep level and got me to thinking back, way, way, wayback, to my childhood and how I was raised.

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My mother was an extremely controlling creature, prone to emotional outburst of rage and pain, violence and manipulation.  Whatever her mental situation, it remained undiagnosed, as far as I know, her entire life.  Meaning she never received any treatment, therapy or any kind of peace during her 84 years on this earth.  Poor thing.  She was a very unhappy, tormented soul right to the bitter end.

And so were we, her children.

My mother did not temper her demons with any gentleness or gestures of kindness/caring either.  Often suffering from hurt feelings inflicted upon her by others, unbeknown to them of course, she would lash out frequently and violently at us, her children.  When we became adults and moved away, thinking we had escaped by putting a lot of physical distance between us and her, the abuse continued nonetheless.  Her foundation of that ultimate control had been solidly built by her throughout our formative years.

Her ability to see us, to know what would cause us the most harm, was uncanny.  Talented.  And she did not hesitate to use any of it.  Ever.

Mom taught me some life lessons that served me well for many years until my mind shut me down completely.

First and foremost, she taught me that my emotions were not acceptable.   According to her, I was too sensitive, too emotional, too clumsy, too stupid, too pretty to be smart, too pretty to be taken seriously, too stupid to be believed, too loud, too sneaky, too honest, too noisy, too frivolous, too “big for my britches”, too picky, too silly, too much to handle.  And so on and so forth.

Whatever I thought I was feeling was wrong.  Showing my feelings was taboo.  Loving someone was dangerous.  Trusting someone was stupid.  Believing in someone was guaranteed to disappoint me.  Believing in myself was pure foolishness.  Letting someone know that I liked/loved them was providing them with a weapon to use against me.  Never accept anything from anyone unless you have deliberately manipulated them into giving it to you.  You must never owe anyone anything, real or imagined.  Nobody would ever love me because I was unlovable.

My mother used whatever means necessary to teach me those life lessons.  Manipulation, violence, repetition, spying, invading my privacy…anything and everything she could think of.

You would think that I would have eventually become a perfect, quiet child, never get in trouble and mostly silent.  Nope.  Didn’t happen.  Thanks to ADD/SPD, she had her work cut out for her with me.  I was a full-time job all by myself, but she had 6 other children to work on as well.  It’s a wonder she didn’t put me in the hospital or the graveyard.  I made her very tired.

Not that I didn’t learn to suppress my emotions, deny them and pretend they didn’t exist.  Boy, did I ever!  I no longer had any real idea of who I was.

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The work for her came with teaching me the same lessons over and over again.  Cause I’d forget.  I’d test her. I’d rebel.  I learned to live in my head, letting all my emotions have free reign in there.  Not showing them outwardly was vital to my survival.  But the rebellion was strong, adapting to her manipulative ways gave me creative license to invent my own ways of manipulating her.

When I turned 12 I decided I was going to escape.  And she would be the one to turn me out, send me away, far enough away she wouldn’t be able to reach me.  It took me almost 2 years.  My siblings still could not believe I had the balls to do half the things I did or say half the things I said.  They also can’t believe that I was able to physically survive the punishments I received.  When I was 14 she sent me away to live with my estranged father.  That is a whole other story!  Not a good story either.

Anyway, I went through life pretending to be strong, tough, efficient, caring and kind, while I kept everyone at arm’s length.  Far enough away so they could not see the real me but close enough for me to have my way, get what I want and form some relationships.

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Nothing good or great ever came during those times.  Except, in a moment of “weakness” I met a man who loved me, opened himself up to me and trusted me to not hurt him.  Letting him into my life, allowing him to see a tiny part of the real me and not using his weaknesses against him was and continues to be a great responsibility.

That was 34 years ago and he is still here, loving me and trusting me:)  Did I mention he is a very patient man?

He makes me smile.                

This is the journey that brought me to the place I am in today.  All of the past put me in the position I am in now, even with the iron will it took to live the opposite of my true self, in the end, I am forced to face myself.  It is the reason I must get to know myself, accept myself and acknowledge my human emotions, loves and pain.  I must allow myself to feel the joy, share the love, hope and dream like normal people do.  I must BE.

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Dr. Tuckman’s class taught me that I am on the right path.  By increasing my abilities (using learning, therapy, medications and personal resolve), as well as decreasing the demands on me by simplifying the chaos of my life (learning new habits and using new tools) ensures success.  When I change enough of the pieces and tweak enough of the tried and true methods that I already know I will likely have tangible success.

HOwever, changing just one piece of the puzzle does not always work well because performance is multi determined.  i.e. start taking the medications but let everything else remain the same will not help to halt the momentum of your life.  We must keep trying different things, continually tweaking and learning helps.  And we must realize that not EVERYTHING about ourselves needs changing.  Incremental changes in some places will bring us to that “magic threshold”.  There is no need for perfection to feel better about ourselves.

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Partial progress/success is enough…being late less often is sufficient instead of NEVER being late again.  Partial progress is doable and sustainable, far more so than never being late again ever will be!

All this means is your perspective must change.  The work needs to be put into changing the mind-set (perspective) so that when the successes do come they will be recognized for what they are.  All situations have a negative and positive aspect to them.  When you are able to recognize the positive aspects of a failure you will know you have succeeded in changing your perspective.

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We all need to broaden our definition of success.

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The final part of this class tomorrow.