Oh boy! I was looking through ALL my posts to find something for another fellow ADHD blogger and I could not find anything amusing!
Yet I distinctly remember laughing at some stuff while I was writing it…I’m pretty sure I thought it was funny at the time.
Now, going back and searching for something humorous was frustrating…not only because there were so many thing to look through but because none of them were funny…anymore.
That happens often to me.
Used to be no biggie because no one else read what I wrote.
Now, it’s a bit different.
Some people are reading this stuff, which seems like a lot of drivel this morning.
I wonder if I will think it’s crap tomorrow?
I wrote this over a year and a half ago, and not much has changed since then. Except I now go to work. Take the city train downtown, with hordes of other people. They remind me of cockroaches scurrying and scattering to their hidey holes when they get off the train. This is why I am so freakin’ tired by the time I come home after work. Overstimulation = exhaustion
No energy left for much more than vegging in front of the computer or tv. If I lay down I will sleep for sure…then I won’t sleep at night. Or I will go back to sleeping and working only…I refuse to go back to that!
I am counting the days, work days that is, until retirement. 46 more to go! I’ve got the numbers on my white board at work, erasing each day as they happen.
Days are dragging for me as I drag myself to and from work.
Give me strength!
I am now 56 and instead of age dulling my senses, aging has heightened them to the point where what was once irritating and uncomfortable became intolerable.
An “unpleasant” smell has become something that makes me “run for cover”…my nose that is! I have to block the scent completely or I will gag and throw up.
All “unpleasant” sounds have become amplified so that I often feel like I have spent too much time next to the speakers at a rock concert where the sound reverberates throughout my body, making me nauseous. I have noticed that the sounds of nature do NOT adversely affect me, no matter how loud i.e. pounding surf against the shore, symphony of birds in the early morning hours…it is only man-made sounds that affect me adversely. Oh, and the woman with the high pitch voice makes me cringe as the sound travels up and down my spine:) Sweet as she is, I cannot listen to her speak for more than a minute or two:(
Every crowded event or situation that once stimulated me like a drug now makes me cringe and feel unsafe.
Even the former “stimulation to distraction” trip to a store, convention or street fair/carnival/circus that set me into a swoon of pleasurable looking now only provides me with that feeling of “too much to see” making me dart here and there randomly looking at the next bright shiny colourful thing that catches my eye. I am quickly overcome with a bone deep fatigue, barely able to remain upright on my shaky legs.
And last but not least that sensitivity to touch varies to such a degree there are days that I don’t know where to throw myself…sometimes loose, soft and comfortable is mandatory…others times the hug of tight Lycra clothes are needed.
Scary to think what the next phase of my life will bring.
I remain hopeful that I will find most things more tolerable…somewhere in the middle of these first two phases of my life.
My only means of defence has been avoidance this past year and a half.
I virtually have become a prisoner in my own home.
2nd night in a row sleeping 7 hours.
Waking up to the alarm with hubby.
This worries me.
How strange that sleeping through the night should worry me!
It is because a radical change in behaviour signals something is wrong.
I don’t know. Too sleepy to figure it out.
Yesterday at work I finished a giant project. My 2nd giant project since I’ve been back full-time.
The gratitude and admiration for the work I did was palpable. And seemed sincere.
I was intrigued. The work I did seemed easy and inconsequential.
They think it was difficult and important.
Why do we see the opposite end of the spectrum?
I don’t get it.
The weekend is over and it’s back to work.Yes, we are lucky to have a job.
When I go back people will be full of stories about all the wonderful things they did during their weekend. Or they will talk about how busythey were.
My weekend was busy too. I was very busy sleeping.
And, I slept in this morning. 7 hours of sleep last night.
No, I will not be one of the people sharing a story about my great weekend.
Sure, pretty is nice, but the best designs improve our lives. These innovative products by students and companies do just that
an important component to the basic workstation: a bed.
It’s what I need for a day like I had on Friday.
Another mystery for me…things lined up all in a row, nice and straight like soldiers marching to war in the olden days
…graves in a graveyard…things in a straight lines are mysterious to me.
How do people get things to line up like that? Nothing I do ever lines up no matter what I do.
I’m thinking of this because when I was outside on my deck this morning I was looking at the flowersI planted in my planters yesterday. Petunias.
Petunias are a no brainer. They grow no matter what. Which is good for me, cause low maintenance or no maintenance is what I am all about:)
I remember thinking as I was filling the planter with dirt how this year I would have those petunias all nice and orderly, unlike last year and the year before and the year before…all willy nilly and overcrowded because I
forgotmisjudged how many I need for each planter.
This year I only bought 18, 9 for each big planter. And 1 bag of rocks and 3 bags of dirt. Again, 1.5 bags of dirt too many.
I remember hubby laughing while he said “You are SO messy”.
There was a lot of dirt all over the deck, surrounding the planter.
At that point I was just stuffing the plants into the planter however they would fit, symmetry be damned!
Oh well, when they grow and fill in it hardly shows.
And it’s why my garden only contains perennials and wildflowers.
I grab the seeds and toss them into the garden so the flowers grow where they land or where the wind blows them.
Yes, sometimes it’s a little flower-heavy in clumps.
But who cares, right? Flowers are pretty no matter what.
And they don’t grow in straight lines in nature:)
Or in my garden.
My yard is a wild profusion of colour…like me.
Yesterday morning I was up at 3:45 AM. I got to work by 7:30 AM which meant I was able to leave at 3:30 in the afternoon. Fortunate.
By noon I had faded away to nothing. Brain in a fog. My back ached. Neck, shoulders and pain behind the eyes kept me awake.
I tried everything on my list for stimulating the ADHD brain back into function mode.
All of that just made me more tired, achey and a little bit cranky.
Last resort; candy.
I’m curious to see the results of the work I did during the rest of the afternoon. I’m willing to bet there are a multitude of careless errors on the spreadsheet I was working on!
I got home at 4, collapsed on the couch and slept for 2 hours. I woke up with heavy brain fog, to the point of wondering where I was and how I got there.
Bottom line: all the tricks and helpful hints in the world will not replace sleep. By noon my day was already into its 8th hour. And my body had only rested for 5 hours. Obviously not enough to sustain me for a day of work.
Good thing my days are numbered…work days I mean:)
If I can last for 2 more months I’ll be retired and have the freedom to nurture myself. Short night? No problem! I can nap as soon as I feel the drain.
Question is: Will I!?
This photo will make you smile..promise. SO CUTE!
repost from A Splintered Mind…I love the way he ties in the current “star media blitz news” with his ADHD issues…and he makes me smile…bonus!
click below to read his post about Will Smith (one of my fav stars btw)
Anyone who has moved knows how much work it is, how much organizingit takes to get everything that is supposed to be done completed in time to move and how much work it is.
Did I mention how much work needs to be done?
That’s right, I am currently in overwhelm when I begin to think about how much freakin’ work needs to be done so I can move in 2 months.
Think that was a lot of moving? You should know that within each city I have moved countless times as well. I should be an expert by now:)
Well, the organization gurus all say make a list.
I say “where’s that list?” and “I know I made a list for that, now where is it?”
Can’t find it, so I make another list. I distinctly remember using a magnet to attach it to the bulletin board in the kitchen/dining area….but it’s not there anymore.
I also have a list somewhere in the living room.
And one in the upstairs …
I have the master list in a notebook which contains other lists of what I have already in the new place.
The master list is the father of all the baby lists strewn somewhere in this place.
Like all babies you gotta watch them all the time or they disappear!
Note to self…re-create all the baby lists needed and keep them attached to the master list in the notebook on the coffee table shelf…
Hey!!!! Who moved the notebook?