For the past few years I’ve had some appetite issues. Because I’m drowning in mucous most of the time, choking on it, blowing my nose so often I carry out 2 grocery bags + of dirty tissues weekly. Gross😬. This always triggers my gag reflex and I’m worshipping the porcelain God more often than not.
Anyway, I’ve brought it to every medical professional’s attention throughout the past few years, always getting some random diagnosis along with a prescription and admonishment of “let me know if this works for you within the next 3 months.” Finally, I was referred to an Ear,Nose and Throat Specialist.
Six months later, got an appointment with that ENT, who proceeded to thoroughly check out my ears, nose and throat. He even stuck a foot long flexible light up my frozen nostril😜. Now, THAT was fairly gross and the vomiting after he pulled it out was equally gross. Geez.
Anyway, as it turns out, all the mucous is coming from my stomach, NOT my sinus area! He diagnosed me with Laryngopharyngeal Reflux, otherwise know as Silent Reflux. Essentially my esophagus is filling up with mucous from my stomach, and, no, there is NO heartburn involved. This condition is very common in babies but they are not aware of why it occurs in adults. Untreated, it has been linked to stomach cancer.
I was stunned, flabbergasted and learned something new! He gave me a prescription for Pantoprazole Magn 40 mg twice daily, to be taken 30 minutes before eating and a long list of foods NOT to eat. Dammit! I did not want to ever have to monitor my food consumption. Plus there’s a list of things to do, like, raise the head of your bed 4-6″, do not wear tight, constrictive clothes, etc.
No coffee, cigs, chocolate, citrus, tomatoes, dairy, fatty/greasy meat, bacon, spices….what’s left that tastes good?
Society presents an idealism regarding families that is false and unrealistic.
Most families look like this when they get together…
I was looking for family estrangement statistics and shockingly they are practically non-existent. Various reasons are cited for the lack of information, such as the stigma, the pain, sense of failure and so on.
My guess would be the iconic image of a happy family is NOT the norm in our society. It is reminiscent of those inane family shows like “Leave It To Beaver” and “Father Knows Best”. I remember watching those shows, wishing and praying I would wake up and magically be part of those kinds of families instead of the hateful family I actually had. There were no positive vibes in our house! We all acted hateful to one another, isolated from each other because there was no actual trust between us. We did not have one another to lean on, that’s for sure.
So now, we live far apart from each other. You’d think, out of 8 siblings, there would be at least one pair that would have worked it out. But no. That did not happen.
Not only did the immediate family become physically and emotionally estranged, the whole extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are mostly strangers that we know; people happy to see us once in a while and just as happy to see us go.
I hear many people say they are estranged because there is just too much drama. Yet these same people do not hesitate to be part of their friends drama!
I just don’t get it. Logically speaking the people that push your buttons, your family, are the ones that know you for real. They’ve lived with you during your best and your worse you. They do not hesitate to criticize, share their negative opinions about the choices you make, or just get irritated with you “for no apparent reason”.
Your friends are the ones that know who you have presented yourself as. They only know your view on things, they only see what you allow them to see. And they like you. But would they like you if you acted exactly the way you act with the sister that gets on your last nerve? Would they like you if you spoke to them in the same condescending tone you use with the sibling you think is a dummy? Would they like you if you acted as hatefully towards them as you do towards your family?
Of course not.
Why would you expect them to?
Something to ponder, right?
I am physically and emotionally estranged from my entire family. I often think I’m the alien, yet I am as guilty of bad behaviour as the next person.
Rose coloured glasses, doom + gloom or it is what it is?
That is realist and it is what usually comes to mind when something happens.
Usually it turns out I’m proven right.
What we perceive as weakness;we hide, and what we think will protect us from further pain; we flaunt.
Are you like me, believing isolation is the best defence?
Or do you think by surrounding yourself with people you trust, you are safe?
I think these polar opposite beliefs are both ineffective.
How to find that middle ground? That is the million dollar question, isn’t it?
It has been a very long time since I’ve felt any positivity to share on this blog.
So you may be wondering why I carry on in this sporadic fashion. Me too😂
I just figured someone, somewhere may read my crap and not feel so alone. It might help…and hopefully not hurt😬
This last bout of negativity and hopelessness has been long and painful, but never really sad. I’m more prone to feeling empty and numb. When I feel like that only anger gets through, not sadness and tears. It’s been more years than I can remember since I’ve felt sad enough to cry. (Last cry was when my mom died)
Oh well, life goes on, shit happens and then we die.
Realistic or fatalist? You decide.
When you live your life on the superhighway of depression, it is exhausting and never-ending.
You can’t help but think it can only end one way…
Not everyone enjoys the holidays. This is the most dangerous time for suicide…
Is it any wonder?
That is an old saying meant to promote self-improvement + positivity in your life. You know, when a glass is half-empty type person is being pressured to become a glass is half-full type. Turn that negativity to positivity and you will “snap out of it!”.
My most memorable moments in life are, for the most part, negative, traumatic and damn fucked up. There is no positive spin to turn them into “blessings”, no “silver lining” to turn them into great lessons.
As Popeye loves to say ” I yam what I yam”.
There are wasted lives and wasted people. Even though I have ADD and fibromyalgia, PTSD + anxiety disorder, I still managed to follow my impulses, do what I want when I wanted to do it, move several times across the country on a whim, get a job, have a family and so on and so forth.
Now, I’m just a plain old worn out, tired and broken-down woman, sitting around on my couch trying to come up with ways to protect my brain from atrophy. I got nothing else to do, no one to see and nothing to contribute in the grand scheme of things.
Try as I might, a positive attitude is not sustainable. It takes all my energy just to get through an ordinary day.
Do I really have to be happy about that?
In 1964, I was 9 years old, and the Beatles exploded into my conciousness like an atomic bomb!
We were poor, battered and bruised, but my oldest sister had a job and had bought my Mom a TV. So we gathered round in that infamous night of Feb. 1964 and watched the Ed Sullivan Show along with 73 million other people❤️ The Beatles performed and changed me forever…and I was just 9 years old. Just a little kid, already hopeless and afraid, watched 4 young guys sing a happy, upbeat song….and I was hooked FOREVER. I did not have the raging hormones of a teenage girl, I didn’t fall in love with a cute image in tv. I discovered, for the first time, that an upbeat, happy song could make me feel different, joyful and hopeful.
During that year I watched every interview with the Fab Four, adored every song, danced and sang like a fool. They were irreverent, cheeky and funny…and I totally could relate to that, because that was me! They were celebrated for it, I was punished for it. Nonetheless, it gave me the sense that I would be ok sometime in the distant future. Goodness knows I needed something to make hopeful I could escape my circumstances. And I did escape eventually.
And I still love The Beatles❤️ all their music as well as John Lennons’ music. I never got into any of Pauls’ music. As individual artists, only John Lennon reached me with is music. So it remains that the Beatles, as a whole entity, got my fanship, but once they split, I didn’t follow their careers other than Johns’.
What a crazy, wild time they had! So much fun, for them and for the world. They made people happy…can’t ask for much more than that in life.
My doc sent me to a sleep study, which diagnosed me with moderate sleep apnea. Moderate means I stop breathing 271 times in a four hour sleep period. The longest I stop breathing is 51 seconds, on average it’s 42 seconds. Let me tell you, I cannot hold my breath for 51 seconds while I am awake😄
Anyway, I am very busy while sleeping, my body working hard to keep me alive. So, is it any wonder I am so f#*+ing exhausted all the time. Hubby came with me in case I missed something important on the use of the new machine and mask I have to wear while sleeping. He said my body is busier while I sleep than when I’m awake. I have to agree, during waking house I barely move off the couch. My exercise is shuffling from the couch to the coffee machine to the bathroom etc.
Anyway, I am on a 4 week trial with a CPAP machine. I wear a nose mask that is connected to a machine that blows oxygen into me while I sleep. Quiet machine, soft nose mask that is keep on my face by straps wrapping around my head. So far, night 3 was a bit more successful than night 1 and 2. I still sleep the same amount of time, 4-5 hours, I’m still pretty damn tired during the day, so nothing changed for me yet. Guess it’s quiet for the hubby, as he doesn’t have to listen to any snoring or gasping in my sleep. I do not have high hopes for this therapy. I’m not really a pessimist but consider myself a realist. Well I guess we will see at the end of 30 days.
Untreated sleep apnea has been shown to co-exist with high blood pressure (I have low blood pressure), heart disease (so far, no sign of that for me), heart attack, irregular heart beat & stroke (fingers crossed, none of that for me) and type 2 diabetes (rampant in my family, yet I still test negative for this also). As a matter of fact, all my lab works come back and always show a very healthy woman!
I’m still plugging away at the guitar, know 3 songs now. It’s hard but pleasurable. Doesn’t take away any of the pain, but does distract me from the pain for those moments with guitar in hand.
I’m still singing the odd karaoke as well. This also is just moments of distraction, when the pain isn’t the main focus of my life.
I guess that’s all we can do is carve out moments of time in this pain-filled life that bring tiny moments of pleasure.
On the Doctor front; got sent to sleep clinic and prescribed CPAP machine…..we’ll see how much sleep I get wearing that! Guess it can’t be much less than I get now.
Also, I’m waiting for a call from a sinus specialist because this gagging, post nasal drip is ridiculous. Definitely not allergies is all we know at this point. Hence, the specialist.
Oh brother, here we go again…another round of doctors. Just never ends til we give up, right?