What we perceive as weakness;we hide, and what we think will protect us from further pain; we flaunt.
Are you like me, believing isolation is the best defence?
Or do you think by surrounding yourself with people you trust, you are safe?
I think these polar opposite beliefs are both ineffective.
How to find that middle ground? That is the million dollar question, isn’t it?
It has been a very long time since I’ve felt any positivity to share on this blog.
So you may be wondering why I carry on in this sporadic fashion. Me too😂
I just figured someone, somewhere may read my crap and not feel so alone. It might help…and hopefully not hurt😬
This last bout of negativity and hopelessness has been long and painful, but never really sad. I’m more prone to feeling empty and numb. When I feel like that only anger gets through, not sadness and tears. It’s been more years than I can remember since I’ve felt sad enough to cry. (Last cry was when my mom died)
Oh well, life goes on, shit happens and then we die.
Realistic or fatalist? You decide.
When you live your life on the superhighway of depression, it is exhausting and never-ending.
You can’t help but think it can only end one way…
Not everyone enjoys the holidays. This is the most dangerous time for suicide…
Is it any wonder?
That is an old saying meant to promote self-improvement + positivity in your life. You know, when a glass is half-empty type person is being pressured to become a glass is half-full type. Turn that negativity to positivity and you will “snap out of it!”.
My most memorable moments in life are, for the most part, negative, traumatic and damn fucked up. There is no positive spin to turn them into “blessings”, no “silver lining” to turn them into great lessons.
As Popeye loves to say ” I yam what I yam”.
There are wasted lives and wasted people. Even though I have ADD and fibromyalgia, PTSD + anxiety disorder, I still managed to follow my impulses, do what I want when I wanted to do it, move several times across the country on a whim, get a job, have a family and so on and so forth.
Now, I’m just a plain old worn out, tired and broken-down woman, sitting around on my couch trying to come up with ways to protect my brain from atrophy. I got nothing else to do, no one to see and nothing to contribute in the grand scheme of things.
Try as I might, a positive attitude is not sustainable. It takes all my energy just to get through an ordinary day.
Do I really have to be happy about that?
In 1964, I was 9 years old, and the Beatles exploded into my conciousness like an atomic bomb!
We were poor, battered and bruised, but my oldest sister had a job and had bought my Mom a TV. So we gathered round in that infamous night of Feb. 1964 and watched the Ed Sullivan Show along with 73 million other people❤️ The Beatles performed and changed me forever…and I was just 9 years old. Just a little kid, already hopeless and afraid, watched 4 young guys sing a happy, upbeat song….and I was hooked FOREVER. I did not have the raging hormones of a teenage girl, I didn’t fall in love with a cute image in tv. I discovered, for the first time, that an upbeat, happy song could make me feel different, joyful and hopeful.
During that year I watched every interview with the Fab Four, adored every song, danced and sang like a fool. They were irreverent, cheeky and funny…and I totally could relate to that, because that was me! They were celebrated for it, I was punished for it. Nonetheless, it gave me the sense that I would be ok sometime in the distant future. Goodness knows I needed something to make hopeful I could escape my circumstances. And I did escape eventually.
And I still love The Beatles❤️ all their music as well as John Lennons’ music. I never got into any of Pauls’ music. As individual artists, only John Lennon reached me with is music. So it remains that the Beatles, as a whole entity, got my fanship, but once they split, I didn’t follow their careers other than Johns’.
What a crazy, wild time they had! So much fun, for them and for the world. They made people happy…can’t ask for much more than that in life.
My doc sent me to a sleep study, which diagnosed me with moderate sleep apnea. Moderate means I stop breathing 271 times in a four hour sleep period. The longest I stop breathing is 51 seconds, on average it’s 42 seconds. Let me tell you, I cannot hold my breath for 51 seconds while I am awake😄
Anyway, I am very busy while sleeping, my body working hard to keep me alive. So, is it any wonder I am so f#*+ing exhausted all the time. Hubby came with me in case I missed something important on the use of the new machine and mask I have to wear while sleeping. He said my body is busier while I sleep than when I’m awake. I have to agree, during waking house I barely move off the couch. My exercise is shuffling from the couch to the coffee machine to the bathroom etc.
Anyway, I am on a 4 week trial with a CPAP machine. I wear a nose mask that is connected to a machine that blows oxygen into me while I sleep. Quiet machine, soft nose mask that is keep on my face by straps wrapping around my head. So far, night 3 was a bit more successful than night 1 and 2. I still sleep the same amount of time, 4-5 hours, I’m still pretty damn tired during the day, so nothing changed for me yet. Guess it’s quiet for the hubby, as he doesn’t have to listen to any snoring or gasping in my sleep. I do not have high hopes for this therapy. I’m not really a pessimist but consider myself a realist. Well I guess we will see at the end of 30 days.
Untreated sleep apnea has been shown to co-exist with high blood pressure (I have low blood pressure), heart disease (so far, no sign of that for me), heart attack, irregular heart beat & stroke (fingers crossed, none of that for me) and type 2 diabetes (rampant in my family, yet I still test negative for this also). As a matter of fact, all my lab works come back and always show a very healthy woman!
I’m still plugging away at the guitar, know 3 songs now. It’s hard but pleasurable. Doesn’t take away any of the pain, but does distract me from the pain for those moments with guitar in hand.
I’m still singing the odd karaoke as well. This also is just moments of distraction, when the pain isn’t the main focus of my life.
I guess that’s all we can do is carve out moments of time in this pain-filled life that bring tiny moments of pleasure.
On the Doctor front; got sent to sleep clinic and prescribed CPAP machine…..we’ll see how much sleep I get wearing that! Guess it can’t be much less than I get now.
Also, I’m waiting for a call from a sinus specialist because this gagging, post nasal drip is ridiculous. Definitely not allergies is all we know at this point. Hence, the specialist.
Oh brother, here we go again…another round of doctors. Just never ends til we give up, right?
I was so bored with myself I decided to learn how to play the guitar😅 So, I spent $105.00 on Amazon and bought one. I got an Indiana Runt, 3/4 sized guitar (cause I’m small with freakishly short fingers).
It has a decent sound (when played by someone that knows how, one of my younger brothers), is lightweight and easy to hold against my short-waisted self. My fingers fit comfortably around the neck. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on yet another trip down the hobby path🙄
Easy to tune…there’s an app for that called Guitartuna!
The easy way to learn cords when you can’t read music is to use tablature, diagrams of guitar chords that show you which fingers go on which strings to creat a chord. Cool beans.
There are hundreds upon hundreds of free guitar lessons on YouTube. E-Z songs with 3 E-Z chords.
It’s been 5-6 weeks now, I can use about 7-8 chords comfortably and move from one to the next in a relatively comfortable pattern.
I still haven’t figured out a way to sing the words to the speed I’m playing.
Practice, practice, practice….and practice some more!
I doubt I’ll ever play in front of anyone but at least I’m doing something that captures my interest❤️
Time passes slowly when alone with only myself to amuse me. So, I ordered a cheap guitar on Amazon 17!days ago and have been learning how to play Stand By Me with 4 simple chords and an e-z R & B strumming pattern.
The tips of my left hand fingers have finally hardened enough to practice longer than 5 minutes😬
I can transition slowly from one chord to the next without consulting the tablature🙄
I wish I could play like Stevie Ray Vaugh…Eric Clapton…any blues player actually😅
I still want to put the cart before the horse even though I am long past the age of unrealistic expectations😊
Oh well, I’ll keep plugging along, because “practice makes perfect” and I’ve got nothing better to do😔
Besides, it’s not like I’ll ever play and sing in front of any real, live human beings😱
That was the beginning of the end for me. I went into a depression so deep I could no longer function (and remained ignorant of the cause). I went for medication, diagnosis and counselling. Not once did I mention how I felt about the death of my parents! Why? Because denial was strong enough to bury that truth, and it was buried deep!
So, here I am, 9 years later, just realizing on the 9th anniversary of my parents death what my problem has been. Talk about being out of touch! Sheesh! The trigger to my realization of what is going on was another posting by one of my siblings about how she missed Mom every day….this is from the person with the absolute worst relationship with my crazy-assed mother….and it pissed me off to no end, year after year of her saying how awful it was to miss her mother….they didn’t get along AT ALL! So hateful to each other, mean and nasty together. So I have bounced from denial, anger and depression ALL THIS TIME!