While consensus was these incidents were not funny at the time they occurred, most of them seem awfully funny to me.
1. When I was a baby, too young to feed myself but precocious enough to speak already (my mother says 6 months but I don’t believe that), my uncle would appear in the doorway, and I would say “Heddo Uncoo” each and every time. The uncle would slip out of the room, up to 20 times in a row, and come back in so many times because he thought it was hilarious, but it quickly wore on my mother’s nerves because it prolonged the feeding time too much.
2. When I was being potty trained, walking and talking efficiently enough to carry my own new pisspot. (Mother said I was 1, again I don’t believe that)My mother took me to the store, bought a new pot and let me carry it. I proceeded to tell everyone we met that I had a new pisspot and show it to them.
3. At the age of 3 I habitually disappeared only to be brought back home, riding on the shoulders of a policeman. When finally asked why I kept doing it I responded by saying that I was finding a husband for my mommy.
4. When young, about 4 yrs. old, mother sent me downstairs to get the pack of meat she had ordered from the butcher. A 5 minute errand, at most. She waited and waited, but I did not come back! She looked out the front window and saw a brown paper package lying on the sidewalk, me running down the street, hair flying behind me, chasing the boys. When I caught them I kissed them.
5. When my little sister was born I was “jealous”. Instead of peeing in my own bed, I would get up, climb into her crib which was in my room, (also shared with my older sister), and pee in the baby’s bed. Then climb back into my own bed.
6. There was a bakery down the block which my mother took me to once to pick up bread. She told him to “put it on her account”. Every day after that I would get up early, slip out of the house and go to the bakery, pick up a loaf of bread and tell them to “put it on our account.” When my mother went to pay her bill she said it was outrageously high.
7. When I was 5 years old, on the 1st day of school, I was so excited I had to be spanked to stop me from “running around in circles”. Once there, I knew all the answers to all the questions asked by the teacher, which I blurted out before she had a chance to finish the question. It didn’t take long for her to put tape over my mouth and sit me in the back of the class on top of the ledge. At recess, I left the tape on my mouth and ran home. My mother said I was very upset. When I ripped the tape off my mouth, once I was sure she noticed it, I told her I was never going back ’cause it was too boring and I knew all the answers and the teacher was stupid!
8. Again at 5 yrs old, I would sit on my step father’s lap and read him the newspaper (he was illiterate). I was reading every book I could get my hands on, even my mother’s books and those of my older sister.
9. When 7 years old…playing Red Rover during recess. Being tiny, people liked to call me over ’cause I couldn’t break through anyone’s hands. But I always went for the biggest boys, those barriers were the strongest and I would run like hell then flip right over their joined hands, creating much amusement. Once, I fell over on a rock, which embedded in my knee. The school nurse had to remove the rock, disinfect and bandage it, but I fussed because I was missing the game.
10. At the age of 8 I became an excessive daydreamer, often having to be touched to get my attention. I was impulsive, always wandering off without realizing I was doing something forbidden until I noticed I was “gone” and felt disoriented. I was always the “instigator” with my little brothers and sisters, creating interesting situations when I was bored, and those ideas were always forbidden. I got slapped often for talking back, unable to control not speaking all of my thoughts. I was allowed to go to a parade once to watch my big sister march in the guard, but got bored long before she appeared, wandered off and no one noticed I was gone until the parade was over. I ended up “gone” for hours, long enough for the whole town to organize themselves and start looking for me. I was found miles from the original location, in the woods, and hadn’t even realized I was “gone” yet. Plus, I had no idea what the big deal was.
11. 12 yrs old-found one ski far away on the back of the property where we lived. I brilliantly tied all 3 of my little siblings feet on it and sent them careening down the hill. My 2 little brothers fell off and broke free halfway down, but my little sister ended up in the creek. Man, did she ever scream!
12. Still 12, I wanted to practice hitting the ball, with secret dreams of joining the softball team dancing in my head, but my little brother was too small to throw it far enough. I placed him almost directly in front of me and swung with all my might. His top lip still hangs from where the bat connected with his mouth and the stitches reattached part of his lip.
13. Also at 12, I locked that same little brother in a room when babysitting (while mom was gone to get groceries). Mostly because he had a ferocious temper and was crazed when he lost it. He was bugging my other brother and wouldn’t listen to me. Once locked in that room, he took the vacuum cleaner and broke the door with it. I thought he was the one that was going to get in trouble, not me. Wrong.
14. When I was babysitting at home, I once decided to try and bake cookies. I found a recipe but couldn’t find an ingredient, so I substituted something that was the same colour. I wasn’t allowed to turn the oven on so I baked the cookies on top of the stove. When my step father got home, he actually ate one, burnt on the bottom, raw on top. My mother told him not to encourage my stupidity. Then punished me.
15. Once, I didn’t want to wash the floor so I just applied wax to it so it would be shiny. Right over all the dirt. My mother spent the night stripping the wax and cleaning that mess.
16. Another chore…I didn’t want to do my sister’s laundry for her, so I hung her dirty clothes on the clothesline instead of washing them first. She was so mad, and so embarrassed to have her dirty underwear hanging outside “for all the world to see” as she put it. She never made me do her laundry again.
17. I got 100% on everything straight through grade school until the 6th grade. My science teacher decided to give me a B because my older sister wouldn’t go out with him. He actually told me if I wanted my A my sister would have to agree to go out with him. I was severely depressed, humiliated and deeply wounded. And Very Angry at my sister. When she found out, she hightailed it down to the school and took care of that teacher lickity split. I was hateful towards that teacher forever after.
18. In junior high I spoke to no one. I was in an accelerated learning group which consisted of the most nerdy, boring kids EVER. Except me of course:) I wanted to be in the “special ed” class because I had seen them in class, playing music on a record player, dancing and laughing. I stopped doing all the work for my classes, I didn’t answer any more questions and I almost failed that first semester. I single-mindedly pursued my goal of becoming part of that fun class. Of course, it was far from subtle and they contacted my mother right away. She took care of me lickity split.
19. Once, a boy asked me to the school dance. I was SO excited and out of my mind with happiness I impulsively said yes, even though I knew there was no chance in hell I would ever be allowed to go to a school dance. Then, somehow during that week, I forgot all about it and didn’t ask for permission to go or even try to figure out a way to get my own way in this. Plus, there was that fear factor I lived with, knowing my mother hated it when we asked to do something we knew we were never allowed to do. When I heard he waited outside on the school steps all evening, very sad that I wasn’t showing up, I felt really guilty. I did remember to ask permission that night, which of course resulted in major drama, and I did pick up the phone to call him, even though I had no idea what his # was, but I was not allowed to use the phone anyway so there was no possible way for me to call him or tell him I wouldn’t be able to go. I suffered guilty feelings, a lot of embarrassment and humiliation. So overwhelmed with those feelings, I was not able to tell him what happened, why I didn’t show up, so I just avoided him. I still feel that mild guilt to this day.
20. In high school, I only went to classes that interested me. I whizzed through every test I took. But, if the class did not interest me, I would be disrespectful enough to be banished from class if forced to go or I would just never show up for it.
21. I experimented with any and every drug offered to me with no thought for consequences. Ever.
22. I experimented with boys and enjoyed the power it gave me. I never formed any kind of attachment to any boyfriend, barely remembering who they were shortly after I broke up with them. They would always become too demanding of my time, wanting to be with me all the time. boring. This trend continued throughout most of my life until my current hubby snagged me. Lucky him. Ha ha ha.