Self Awareness: introduce myself to me

I will start by apologizing for my absence over the weekend.

I went to the CHADD Conference, all day event on Saturday and it has taken me until this morning to recoup myself:)  Totally worth it though!

I learned a LOT and I can hardly contain myself, wanting to spew everything that pops into my head that I think I now know.  But, I am going to exercise some control and pace myself.

My most important lesson was the Self Awareness lesson.  I am not self- aware in the most basic of ways, which has been making my life difficult for a long time now.  Why I’m not is less important than how to change that and why I want to change it.

Self Awareness involves having a cue to clue you in to what you and your body needs.  You know, if you’re hungry, you can tell my your hunger pains, tired? you can feel that.  Need to pee?  You can feel that too.  Irritating someone with your incessant talking/yelling/movements?  You can tell by the body language of the people you are bugging.  Your body sends the messages to your brain, small clues that you pick up on and those clues prompt you to do what needs to be done to satisfy the needs as you become aware of them.

ADD/ADHD people have a great deal of trouble with this.  Small clues just don’t make their way to the brain.  Big clues do…like PAIN.  Example, I can’t tell when I’m hungry, there is no clue that reaches my brain to warn me that I must eat something.  So what prevents me from starving to death?  Pain.  By late afternoon I have a headache so intense it is practically blinding, but not at all like a migraine.  Fatigued?  When my knees buckle and I’m about to fall, or my eyes are rolling in the back of my head, that’s when I know I need to rest.  Even the most primitive, physical need to go to the bathroom involves pain for me.  Huge, gut wrenching pain is my cue that I must get myself to the washroom as fast as I can.  Stupid, right?  Well, I always thought it was stupid of me but I was unable to prevent it from continuing.  Now, I know why.  Those great signals you receive never reach my brain, never get registered, are too subtle, not loud enough or big enough to prompt any action on my part.

Why this is the so common is something of a mystery to me, but I suspect it has to do with all the negative reinforcement we receive as children…don’t do that, don’t say that, stop that, NO!, sit still, shut up, stop it stop it stop it…so on and so forth.  We are nothing if not adaptable…we learn to ignore what we think we feel, to suppress as many urges as we can, to control our bodily functions as much as possible.  Well, controlling the urge to move is tough, but learning to ignore are needs is achievable.  How do we change that?

The most dreaded and disliked word for me is EXERCISE.  And that is the tool I must use to get some self-awareness.  Through exercise I will get to know my body, really well.  It will allow me to become self-aware enough to care for myself physically.  ONce I’ve got that down, then I will be able to care for myself mentally.

Mentally?  Yes.  Mentally.  I am slightly delusional.  Well, maybe a lot delusional.  OK.  I’m completely out of touch with reality!

Here’s a fine example that is recent.  The conference I attended on the weekend.  In my mind, I was going to be awesome, noteworthy, put together in appearance and mannerisms.  I’d be wearing a lovely sweater dress, warm, cozy and comfortable, with brown tights and my fabulous boots, hair free and but controlled, casually chic.  Put together, relaxed, in short, just plain fabulous.

Reality?  The sweater dress I was going to wear, that I scored in the deal of the year 3 sweater dresses for $30.00, turned out to be too short for me to wear as a dress, more tunic length than dress length.  My tights were…tight. I ended up wearing my indigo, stretch jeans that look similar to jeggings so that I could wear my boots over the jeans. I looked like Puss n Boots from Shrek.  I forgot to bring my Advil and my Bounce dryer sheet (which I use to prevent static in my hair).  So, as I sat in my chair, in the front row, legs bouncing and pen flicking, I could feel my hair in full static mode, moving about above my head.  So distracting.  My constant movement of legs and hands was distracting to my husband, who happened to be surrounded by other ladies JUST LIKE ME.

I found it difficult to suppress all my excess energy throughout the day, so at each break I would move faster and faster through the room to head outdoors until the end of the day.  When that last word was spoken by the MC, I was up, across the room and out the door like a rocket was in my butt. I moved so fast my husband lost sight of me outside that room as I made my way down the stairs (no elevator for me thanks), across the food court, through the mezzanine level of the university building and out the door heading towards the parking lot.  Hubby was actually out of breath by the time he caught up with me:)  Which I thought was funny.  I was also surprised to actually find myself in the parking lot, having no recollection of getting there.  One second I’m sitting, the next, I’m striding towards our vehicle.

I’m still laughing.  Really.  I am.  When hubby described me to me, I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.  And, I’m still chuckling.

Now, the not so funny part.  I have to find a tolerable way to exercise, one that won’t bore me to death, hurt me and above all else, it must amuse me.  Not being naturally well coordinated,  so I best choose carefully.

I’m thinking karate?  Fencing?

Puss in Boots (Shrek)

Image via Wikipedia



2 responses

  1. I once upon a time exercised at home too, even got up enough energy to form an exercise group at the community centre…last about 18 months, this whole exercise regime.
    Then, I got super bored and couldn’t bear the thought of it. I stopped. Never started again.
    I’m told that I should do something I love to do, especially swimming.
    My first thought is “I am a super clutz and always hurt myself, no matter what I try, I hurt myself.” This has always been and will probably always be. Even during that 18 months of exercising every single day, I was always pulling something, hurting something etc.
    Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it:)
    Seriously, I actually love lots of stuff, like skating. I used to skate every year, always eager to lace up my skates and hit the ice. In my mind I would always magically glide across the ice, stop like a hockey player and race back across the ice. In reality, I shuffled along like a beginner’s first time on the ice, rarely making it across any ice before falling and alway, without fail, twisting my ankle. But, that never stopped me from spending the rest of the day out on the ice, in pain but determined to glide at some point, until I had to in. Once inside, it was a VERY BIG DEAL to get that freakin’ skate off my swollen painful foot. With a lot of swearing (by Mom) and crying (by me) we’d get the skate off, and Mom would always says Thats it, you will never go skating again! Pick up the skates and throws them in the garbage. I wouldn’t be able to skate again that winter. Of course, both my mom and I were somewhat delusion and I would try again the year after LOL
    This scenario did not change much once I was an adult. My delusions are firmly in place

  2. stillstrange | Reply

    I used to do really well at exercise. I was determined to exercise 30 min a day here at home and was doing it. But, I’ll have these spurts where I’ll have pain or get sick and I’ll quit for like a month or more and have a hard time starting again. I’m in that stage now. Plus, I’m in pain. It’s super tough.

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