Fear of Medusa

This post is actually linked to yesterdays Self-Awareness post.  As I’m pretty sure I’ve already said, ADDers think they see themselves clearly but they really do not.  And so began the introspection that has occupied my thoughts since Saturday’s conference.  Narcissist much?

First, I had to actually look at myself in the mirror.  Just my face mind you.  Don’t ask me to look at the rest…not ready for that and I’m sure I’ll turn to stone if I do.  You know, like what happened to those that turned to look at Medusa with all those snakes coming out of her head…er…ok…I’m drifting to another dimension with those visuals.

The first item on the list is to look in the mirror, and continue to look until you can see yourself objectively.  For me, when I look in the mirror, my mind is always elsewhere, so what I see doesn’t really register and mostly an impression doesn’t have time to form because my time in front of a mirror is minimal.  On purpose, cause I bore myself.  I have to start with seeing myself physically, because if you could see what I see you would run screaming in horror in the opposite direction, or even turn to stone…

Ok.  So, I started looking myself in the eyes.  Creepy.  I practically had to push my eyes back into position and hold them open with my fingers.  Like I said, creepy.  Not to mention HOW INCREDIBLY FOOLISH I FELT.  I could feel that laughter bubbling up from my stomach until it erupted in very loud almost uncontrollable laughter.  If anyone heard me laughing like a loon in the bathroom with the door shut they were discreet enough not to share their thoughts.  Colour me embarrassed and humiliated.

That was Sunday.  I tried again on Monday.  A little less creepy, but hilarious nonetheless.

Tuesday, not so creepy, and definitely not funny.  But definitely uncomfortable as recognition started to sink in.

I recognized that feeling of “who is that stranger staring back at me from the mirror?”.  I remembered feeling this way since I was very, very young.  The same way I feel when I see a picture of me at the age of 3 or 5 or 8…I immediately think “Really?  I looked like that?”  Kinda cute really.  My daughter and granddaughter both look similar  and I think they are gorgeous and so lovable I could have eaten them up.  How come nobody wanted to hug, kiss and eat me up?  Now that makes me sad.  Time to stop before I cry.  Movin’ on to something more interesting.

This morning, I saw something familiar in the mirror.  I recognize that woman and I recognize the girl inside.  That girl I’ve spent a lifetime protecting, keeping her hidden and safe from harm.  She’s still there, safe and sound, but scared.  Gentleness will bring her out.  Gentleness and approval will let her live life to the fullest.

Overwhelmed and left that mirror.  This is going to be a long process and I will have to be patient, which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before…I am not patient AT ALL, EVER.  Oh well.  Not much choice in this case.

What brought this on…reading the book ADD Stole My Car Keys by Rick Green and Dr. Umesh Jain, they were speakers at the conference on Saturday.  They were humorous.  So is the book.  Which is my Achilles Heel.  Disarm me with humour, laughing is not conducive to keeping up those walls of protection.  Open and vulnerable, they reached me as no other ever has.  And I felt no danger signals, nothing to alarm me.  Sneaky buggers.  They got me.

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