Fast forward a couple of years. Living with new hubby, moved to the other end of the country, tried to get my shit together long enough to create a life I wanted. I wanted to be in control.
I cried a lot, when I thought hubby was asleep. I yearned for my little girl, I wanted to undo what I had done. I believed I could.
I still had a custody agreement that said I was the one that had custody. New hubby supported me all the way. No questions asked. If that’s what I wanted he would help make it happen. I called to talk to my daughter and they wouldn’t let me. She was not living with her father, she was living with his sister.
I flew back to Montreal. Arranged to visit my daughter. She was waiting for me, sitting at the top of the stairs to the apartment. She said “I knew you’d come get me.” It took all my will and then some not to cry. I went inside with her so they could grill me. I realized no one knew anything about my life. I gave them a false address. I told them we were going out for lunch, then we’d go to a park or something. I said I’d have her back by suppertime.
I took her to new hubby’s brothers’ apartment where we hid out until we could leave for the airport.
Suddenly, we heard shouting, banging on the door, more yelling and hitting on the door. I herded my baby girl into a back bedroom and we remained there until her father gave up on banging the door and trying to get in. It seemed like forever.
Finally, our police escort arrived, bringing us to the airport and seeing us onto the plane. I had spent the whole day with my heart pounding fast and furious, scared out of my wits. Once the plane took off, I headed to the bathroom, threw up and felt a bit better.
Once home I was so happy to have my girl back I cried often. I’d watch her play and cry. I’d watch her sleep and cry. I’d bring her to school and cry all the way back home.
I lived in fear. I was so afraid the ex would show up at my door.
One day, my nightmare came true.
Arriving at the school to pick up my girl, only to find there was no one to pick up. They told me a French man came with the police and took her.
Blinded by tears and panic, I made my way back home. Called new hubby. At least, I must have because he arrived a half hour later. New hubby and a neighbour left with rifles beneath their long coats. Where was I? What was I doing? I do not remember. All I can remember is they came back a long time later empty-handed. My devastation was all-consuming. Tears would not stop flowing. Self hatred at an all time high.
Hubby comforted, held me and wiped my tears, offered to hire someone to kill the bastard. Instead, we hired a lawyer. Thousands of dollars later I was told that the ex and I could play the game until my daughter was old enough to make us stop. We could fly across the country, with a legal document stating we had custody and take baby girl away every time. Each document would be legal until the next current dated one. We could hire detectives to find each other and live in hiding until found. Everyone’s life could become chaotic and the costs would be exorbitant. We could make baby girl grow up to be crazy.
Decisions decisions. I did not know how he had found us. So, I found out. After many many telephone calls to family, I was told that it was my father that helped the ex find me. MY father told him who I lived with, where I was and who my new hubby’s relatives were. My mother and siblings had all received calls from him at the time, but they had hung up on him. Everyone except my father. In my father he had found an ally.
Sleepless nights, depression and self loathing filled my time. New hubby tried so hard to help me. And he did help me. I did not go off the deep end as was my pattern in the past. New hubby painted a picture of a beautiful life for us together, filled with love and kindness and caring. Calm and peace would be our future. Or we could live our lives as the lawyer said…whatever I wanted to do, he was in 100%. I just had to say the word.
I decided to let my daughter have a life more normal than the one she had had so far. I left her in peace. I did not take anyone up on the offer to have the ex taken out of the picture. How would I ever be able to look my daughter in the eye after that? Would I ever get a chance to look my baby in the eye again. I had to believe that once she was old enough to choose, she’d come to me. I clung to that. It got me through the years as I locked away all my thoughts and feelings about that phase of my life.
Oh. We also had my mother living with us.
Yup. That’s right. My mother came to live with us. After my drama, her life must have seemed too boring for her. She needed a place to live, in peace, and came to us. We took her in, no hesitation.
Mistake. Big freakin’ mistake.
I am now 28 years old…and still an idiot.