Fibro: When Darkness Prevails

This post inspired by “Knocked Over By A Feather”, a blog that I follow. 

Chronic pain and depression go hand in hand, it’s a fact and it’s pretty damn glum. 

That dark shadow hangs over your heart and mind, just waiting for the moment when your energy has dissipated from the constant fight against that stupid pain. It paints a picture of complete despair, presents a black, hopeless picture of your life and the bleak, barren view of your future. 

That black paint is cheap and can be washed away. It’s a view unworthy of your time and energy. It’s a false view, it doesn’t show the whole picture. Not Ever

I am empathic, and can totally relate to that darkness. I know how completely hopeless it seems with the waves of pain rolling over us, never-ending blows knocking the living daylights right out of our souls. It seems like it would be so much easier to just let it have its way with us. Maybe it is easier in the grand scheme of things.

But I was born an obstinate child, forever telling everyone they “can’t tell me what to do!”as I stomp away, outraged they would even try to control me. That goes for the black knight who has taken residence inside me. Depression and constant pain will not control me, I refuse to be treated like a piece of trash, thrown away and forgotten. Nope. Not gonna happen.

My mind is a constant wonder, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, you know, like superman. 

I can paint another view, I can step a little bit to the right, or left, or forward or backwards. If I’m too tired for that I can at least lean over a bit. 

I can see the future painted differently. I can sense the devastation and heartbreak I would leave behind. I do matter. There are people that love me. I do not want to hurt them. I do not want to cause them harm. They are not responsible for my happiness, and I don’t even want them to try to make me happier…that would be a burden too great to bear. 

I do want to see the smiles on their faces mirrored back to me when we meet. I do want to feel the love bathe over me like a soothing balm. The love I put out is mirrored back to me tenfold. Aloe Vera can soothe that kind of burn😄 It’s hot and keeps me warm on the coldest of days, and nights. It can’t be beat. It beckons me, the temptation to indulge in that kind of sinful delight too great to ignore. That’s how it feels to be in the presence of someone that loves you. 

We grow up being told all those platitudes like “it’s always darkest before the dawn” and all that other nonsense implying we just have to hang back and wait for the sun to rise over us. Bullshit.

You can reach over and turn on a light if you’ve paid your electric bill. 

You can light a candle if you have a match. They still give out free matchbooks in places, don’t they?


4 responses

  1. I am flattered that I inspired this post. Thank you for reading my blog (I lack other fibro followers) it’s nice to reach people who understand. But a bit of a backstory, I have clinical depression…and now that the fibro has gotten so awful, it seems like my depression is even more difficult to control. Lightning that candle for me is extremely difficult. 😦

    1. Yup, I got that. I know you have clinical depression and it is evident that whatever you take for it is NOT working as it should. Maybe you could tweak that treatment plan?

      1. Yeah, I’ve been on 4 different meds the last year. Constant tweaking. It makes my head spin.

      2. I hat all that changing meds and tweaking dosages etc. Drives me right insane and makes me very cranky!

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